A Bean.

A BEAN

A bean was growing in the garden. This bean was surrounded by other beans. It had good soil and good moisture. It had plenty of sunlight.

This bean had plenty of faults (and still does) but wanted to be a good bean, the variety that Jack used in the book Jack and the Beanstalk. One day this bean discovered that something was dropping rocks on other beans.

This bean looked at the beans that had rocks dropped on them. Many of these beans could not get any sunlight.

They never could get quite the strength to push the rock off.

Concerned about the other beans, this bean began a quest to remove the rocks.

This bean began a quest find a way to not only remove the rocks, but also prevent the rocks from falling.

This bean thought that the rocks had fallen on the beans because the beans did not know why the rocks should not be there.

However, this bean could not think why the rocks should not be there.

It began to think that the rocks should be there. Soon a rock fell on this bean. This rock stopped all the sunlight. Soon this bean became very weak.

The bean one day woke up and the rock had left. However the bean did not know why the rock should not be there. The bean then discovered why the rocks should not be there.

The bean then began to help other beans by telling them why the rocks should not be there. Eventually all the beans in the garden could be beans. Not only were they beans, but they all became beans like Jack used in the book Jack and the Beanstalk. They became the best beans they could be.

THE HUMAN BEAN

About this time I began to realize there were people that did not want to look after themselves.

I could not understand why people wanted to hurt themselves. Surely they wanted to live?

Why would people want to kill themselves?

I had never thought about this before and it took some time for me to

realize that I did not even know why they were hurting themselves.

Now if I loved a person more than myself, I should indeed help a person more than myself. Could I stand by while people ate themselves to death, smoked themselves to death etc? Surely there was a way to stop people doing all these things?

What would you do if you knew people wanted to die?

I began to try to understand why people all around me did things that would ultimately lead to early death. I could not explain why a person would want to shorten their lives. Gradually I became aware that people wanted to die.

I could not understand why a person would want to die.

 In order to discover the reason why a person could not control their behavior, I had to think as they thought. By standing by and letting people die I was as guilty as if I had made them die.

My brother no longer wanted to live and I wanted to help him. Could I stand by while he hurt himself? I would be guilty of 'killing him' if I did not figure out what was causing him to want to die. I decided to see the world as he saw it. By seeing the world as he saw it, I would be able to figure out the way he thought and then be able to prove to him that what he thought was not correct.

I firmly believed that I would be able to think myself and others out of this belief system. Surely I could change the way I thought?

Slowly over time I began to think more and more.

When I went back to school after my holiday I was a different person.

 Before I was very sure of myself and what I believed. Now I was unsure. All of a sudden, the world in which I was living had gone and replaced itself with a false one.

I found myself lacking all motivation. I could not explain why a person would even live. I became very insecure and shy. I found sleeping very difficult, and became very nervous. I developed a compulsive eating disorder, (would be nothing for me to eat 2 loaves of bread, 6 meat pies at one time). I would feel guilty after eating a stack of food so I would then try to get rid of the food I ate.

I found that every person around me was in a different "world". The only person that seemed to understand me was my mother. I felt rejected around every other person apart from my mother. I was so paranoid around people that I would wait until night to go shopping.

After school I applied to study a science course at university. The first thing I noticed when my study material arrived in the mail was that concepts that I could normally grasp became so difficult to understand that I found it almost impossible to learn them.

After studying for a year, my brain was totally useless. I could not understand any book. I had trouble reading novels and comics. I did not get any satisfaction from doing anything.

I got a job in the local forestry industry. I could not handle the work so after 3 months I changed jobs to work in a sawmill. As in the last job I was totally useless.

About this time I met another person that was like my mother. I felt that he stood by me so I spent as much time as I could with him. He ended up getting me a job working on a front end loader. This job was perfect for me as I did not need to think about anything or talk to anyone.

Around this time, I was sick of living. I did not get any satisfaction at all from doing anything. The only people that I got on with were my Mum and my friend that had helped me get a job. You know what it feels like to be totally alone in the world with no desire or purpose to live. You know the emptiness and the lack of purpose. You realize you would be of more benefit dead than alive. You understand that when you kill yourself you will not be missed.

I still had nothing that I enjoyed doing. I tried to enjoy something but could not. 

My brother died at his own hands. When this happened, I went home. Within 24 hrs of going home the atmosphere at home changed. For the first time in six years I was able to enjoy something.

In about 12 months since my brother died, I discovered the reason why my thinking had been wrong. It was not something very complicated. It was something very simple.There would be no point in my or anyone's life if the thinking that had no only killed my brother, but nearly killed me was correct. 

With this discovery,  I no longer felt a need to solve  the underlying question. I had hopes that this discovery would remove the incorrect thinking permanently, but that was not to be.   

Still I could not trust people, feel any sort of acceptance, security, confidence, and/ or purpose. I then searched on the internet to see if someone else had discovered  correct thinking in hopes that he or she might be able to assist. I discovered www.awmi.net and started to listen to the teachings of Andrew Wommack.  The teachings of God's unconditional love regardless of what you and I have done or not done.

My activity may have directly contributed to my brother taking his life something I have since felt guilt over.  I have struggled accepting that God didn't want to judge and condemn me for this. 

For a long time I misrepresented God in my heart towards God and those who I thought had hurt my brother. I was bitter towards God and struggled to forgive and love those who I thought had hurt my brother.  

 After all that I was was no more and all trust had gone, it was the selfless actions and words of those who represented Who God Is correctly that helped restore who I am and allowed me to trust Who God Is once again. I owe a debt I cannot repay. I thank you. Without you, there would be no me.