I have lived wishing to live and I have lived wishing to die. Was I really living when I wanted to die? 

Humans cannot change the meaning of life. They can represent (or misrepresent) what life is meant to be. 

You may be dead and not even realize it. What is life?  Life can be defined by what life is not. Life has no point if it is completely full of negative emotion and the will to live will never return.  Therefore life can be defined by the  absence of any negative emotion. 

Death is the direct opposite of life. It can be defined by the complete absence of positive emotion. 

You of yourself cannot free yourself from negative emotion (death), otherwise you already would have. If you cannot, your life has no meaning unless God, Whoever He IS exists Who has provided and is willing for you to receive life (complete positive emotion). 

Definition of Life: complete happiness, peace and satisfaction. 

Romans 6: 23
For the wages (ultimate outcome) of sin (misrepresenting God) is death (ultimately leads to complete negative emotion), but the gift of God is eternal life (complete positive emotion) in Christ Jesus our Lord.

You misrepresent God when you hurt yourself and others of you. God has never nor will ever hurt you and others of you. Sometimes you are not aware you are hurting yourself and others of you (misrepresenting God). 

God cannot misrepresent Himself, otherwise He would not be Who He Is. Numbers 23:19 God inot human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

If you want life, you can allow God to be correctly represented through your actions, words, etc. Its a bit hard to represent Someone you do not know, so you first need to understand Who He IS. 

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy (misrepresent God); I (Jesus Christ) have come that they may have life (represent God), and have it to the full (completely represent God).

  Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. (John 17:3)

Those who hate you will encourage you to misrepresent God 
Those who love you will encourage you to represent God. 

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